Fragile.

The previous was a blog I wrote somewhere else about a week or so ago. I have a few changes to make.

Midterm week has been smooth so far. I really haven’t any difficulty with my other classes, and I have a music theory midterm tomorrow which will stretch until next Monday. In my English class we’re finishing a play called, “The Children’s Hour.” My character turned out to be an anti-social person who was insanely jealous of another woman’s relationship… jealous because she was a lesbian. Oh joy!!

I’ve been a a little more social. A guy in my English class has been talking to me more frequently… even though most of it is seeing my reactions to being poked. Rawr. Aside from that, after I met my brother for a while, I managed to maintain a five-hour conversation with a percussion major named Paul. He and I have talked before before Music History because he sits in my row. It was a very good conversation and it felt really good to not only maintain a conversation for that long, but to also not feel uncomfortable in the least.

Normally, when I get in a long conversation with someone, I’ll usually clam up, get nervous, and feel really uncomfortable then leave. How rude is that? I know. I feel really bad. Mostly because most of my life I was a social person, then when someone decided to ruin my life, I didn’t have many friends and had to make the most of my time by myself. So basically, my only friends during those times were my two cats and my dog. Once my junior year started to wrap up, I became more social again… then I started to get uncomfortable with being social. My thyroid acting erratically when it feels like it doesn’t help me either. I get extremely nervous and uncomfortable with physical contact as well. However, the physical contact we did have at points made me feel very comfortable and humble… for once.

To sum things up, it was very comforting.

Maybe I’m on track to being more social. Who knows?

Medically, I’m doing better. Except that I have an appointment with my endocrinologist about my thyroid because it seems to be getting bigger again, which really only happens when I’m really stressed out. I’m almost out of food, and it sucks! I only have a few cans of soup and mini-low calorie bagels. The soup I refuse to eat because every time I’ve had in within the last month, I’ve woken up some odd hour of the night and thrown it up. Ick. As if my suite’s toilets don’t have enough issues.

Also, I’m rather pissed about what Norwich recently did. Apparently the director recently demoted me without warning from staff to assistant. I already let him know MONTHS in advance that I couldn’t make it all the way down to Norwich on Tuesdays and Thursdays. But when I come down on Saturdays, I make so many repairs that no one can figure out while they scratch their asses. Also, when the other pit instructors get frustrated with someone, who is the one who jumps up? Oh, yeah, I do! But anyway, I got an offer to teach at Phoenix next year and to get paid $1500 instead of waiting to get paid squat two years from now.

Anyways… about studying for that midterm….

So Lonely.

I’m not fitting in, what can I do?

Help me, what am I doing wrong?
I don’t understand, I’m there when you’re not strong.
I try to be happy most of the time, but it’s getting harder now,
knowing your friendship isn’t mine.”

What the hell do I deserve half the crap my suite mates give me? Seriously? Last week, two of my five suite mates were high and drunk, and they had a guy over who was just as drunk and high. I went to take a shower, and when I came back, the guy had jerked off on my pillow, one of them threw up on my carpet, and they wrote on my wall. Not only that, they wrote things like that I fuck myself with my flute and really gross and obscure things like that. Then, they also decided to take my $900 digital camera and hide it with my flute and my fox. Needless to say, I eventually found those. Plus today, someone took a shit in my shower and then proceeded to wipe their ass with my white loofah. Fun, right?

Am I just intolerable to be around? Am I annoying? I’m just looking for a friend who can understand these things who I can call around any hour to ask for help. I don’t think that’s asking too much. Especially since I try my hardest to reach out to people, and it ends up with them avoiding me and ignoring me. I’m tired of being the anti-social girl, not just in the music wing, but across the entire campus. My day usually consists of waking up about 30 minutes later than I should, unmotivated to get up to start such a shitty day, then I frantically get ready for my class which I would then have twenty minutes to get to. I quietly get my way through said class, repeat the process five times daily, walk back to the dorms kicking at the leaves on the sidewalk with angst, and hide in my room for the rest of the day doing homework or trying to see if I can sleep until the next day and possibly wake up on time. From experience, it fails.

My unmotivation is really starting to reflect in my playing and especially my photography. I used to take good shots left and right. I knew all the good places to go. Eh, I don’t know anyone around here to show me if there are any. Then again, no one wants to talk to me…. I’m just going to… sleep and shut up now. I feel like I bitch too much.

S.O.S.

Wow, it must be that time for the update! Jeeze, it’s been a while.

Aaaaaanyway, let me begin…

Band Camp started this week at Norwich, and might I say, I’m not very pleased with my section. I have a child who has form of extreme ADHD, and another who just thinks that her shit doesn’t stink. Seriously.

I like teaching because the less I know about my kids, the better. The less I know, the more unbiased I can be about their background or their demeanor. The kid with the form of ADHD has told me he takes countless pills, that his mom beats people up (who ironically runs a hospital…?), and that he has a lot of angst and rage. Of course, that makes me feel great. The way it seems is that he doesn’t really have a great respect for women. I don’t know much about his mother, but it really seems that way. There are three instructors who run the pit, one is a man, and the other two are women, including me. Most of the time, the man is never there, and every time I teach, or this other woman teaches, we get treated like crap.

Then there’s another who is an upcoming senior who has been in the band since her seventh grade year who just has an awful demeanor. She orders around other people, when there is no section leader for that purpose. She also tries to worry about things she shouldn’t worry about, like where the pit cart is… I had the drill sheet, I told her where it was about 500 times, yet still has to ask EVERYBODY. Ehh…

Also, at ensemble on the last day of band camp this week, I noticed she didn’t have her music out while we were playing. If she lacks a lot of basic rhythms and such, I KNOW she didn’t have her music memorized. So, she gave me excuse she had it memorized, so, I personally brought over her stands and put her music on it. She put it on the ground, and then told me she didn’t have time to set it up. I never like to include drum corps in to marching band rehearsals because it’s not drum corps, nor should it be run that way, but I just couldn’t help saying that people in corps bring their music to every rehearsal even if they have it memorized, and they look at it. After I got a dirty look and her saying, “I quit, I quit, I quit because of you!”. I just kind of stood there and thought that she wouldn’t because that’s all she really has.

There’s another week of band camp coming up on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday with another evening practice on Thursday. And the Brigs show this weekend is in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Ick.

On another note, there’s been a kitten hanging around the house lately. A few days ago, we saw its mother limping, and injured, and when we tried to help the poor thing, it limped away, and as far as we know because we’ve only seen the kitten these last few days, I think we can assume that the mother has passed on, the poor thing. We’ve been leaving out food and water for the poor little fluff ball, and there are signs it has been eating it. Also, the new band director at Norwich is a good friend of ours who just moved in to an apartment and is looking for some companionship with a kitty or two. So, we’re getting an inconspicuous trap from the local humane society and we’re going to take it there to get it screened and checked. Hopefully, it’ll be eligible for adoption because that fluff ball is too cute not to have a loving home.

Oh, and Jon DID check my pockets after we left the humane society to check for cats I may have taken… heehee.

Land of Confusion.

Well, I’m back from New York, and I’m rather unsatisfied with the pictures I took. Mainly because good photographs take multiple shots and time to get them right. But because we were on the move, I couldn’t really get the shots or results I wanted. But the trip was really nice and the sights were wonderful. The Yankees won (like I care) and Mamma Mia! was FANTASTIC! I was kind of biased by it before because I’m really not an ABBA fan, but was a great performance, and I’m considering and contemplating on seeing the movie.

In other words, this weekend is the Brigs home-show in Waterloo. Why Waterloo? I have absolutely no idea, because we’ve only practiced there once and we technically don’t have a “home” location. Unless you count APW, but who the hell would come to that show?Especially since APW doesn’t have night lights, unless we did a show in the parkinglot and put everyone on the roof.

On another note, my brother killed my car. He kind of has a history of that… and I’m pissed, but I’m holding it in well. I mean, I’ve only had the thing for like, three weeks, he comes home and kills it. I told him he couldn’t use it because I know his car history, but he gave me a sob story and I let him use it. Look what happened to that. Gah.

Also, I’m still short of about a grand for a new computer. I could get a MacBook with what I have, but I really want the MacBookPro. Like, badly. Because my mom needs the desktop at home in case something goes wrong with her laptop, and it’s technically my brothers, but I think he might be selling his new computer to pay for damage on my car, and he needs something, especially since it’s technically his. And it’s required that I have a computer of my own because libraries close, and there are campus emergencies where I might not have access to one. And I don’t want to pay to fix my old Dell laptop because if I have to replace my hard drive, battery, or charger one more time… I might kill something.

Jon’s mom offered that she loan me a grand to pay for it, but I already feel really bad because she’s done so much for me already. Like take me to New York, pay for countless dinners out, driven me wherever I needed to go, and now she wants to pay for my room at DCA, even though I can pay for it. I don’t really understand. I try to pay for my own things, but she never really lets me, and I always feel really bad. And if I would even consider letting her give me a load, I have no clue how I would pay her back.

In other words, this news is good for my best friend: I’M COMING HOME NEXT WEEKEND FROM FRIDAY NIGHT UNTIL SUNDAY! SQUEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Anyways, gotta run!

Hello City.

Wow, it’s been a while since I wrote. But, I’ve been feeling a little better since my grandfather’s memorial service. I know he’s happy to be out of pain and suffering, and knows each and every one of us is doing okay, and knows that we love him very much. The last time he asked me what I wanted to be, it was a music teacher, and I’ve been having my doubts about it over the years, but now I think I really, really want to do it.

Lewis Black was really fun, and the seats were to die for! He was great and energetic, but I felt really bad because I really didn’t laugh that much. I really only laughed once, because, hell, I was distracted. I felt really bad because Jon and his family included me, and I felt really bad that I didn’t show how much I appreciated it by laughing my ass off. Instead, I thanked them a lot for that, and that I was sorry I didn’t enjoy it like I should have.

I’ve been feeling really inspired because today, we’re going to New York City. I love the city because despite all it’s grayness and industrial exterior, it’s a beautiful place. Jon got Yankee tickets as an early birthday present with his father, and since his mother and I aren’t fans of baseball, we’re going to wander around the city and see Mama Mia on Broadway. We’re staying until Thursday and leaving late tonight because tonight I have to teach (Jon and his parents also teach) and early Thursday to get back in time to teach. I’m bringing my camera because when I went there last with my old camera, the pictures I took didn’t turn out so well, and I think now that I have better knowledge of my new camera and photography in general, I think it’ll be fine.

It’ll be good for me because I’m starting to feel that sinking feeling of not being motivated… again. I don’t know of any good books to read, or else I would read one. I want to write something profound and for myself, but I can’t. I can’t even put up pictures I’ve taken over the summer thus far because there is no photo software on Jon’s computer. I haven’t seen my family since the memorial service, I haven’t seen my best friend in about a month, and I haven’t picked up my flute in about a week. I want to feel proud of myself for doing a lot of productive things over the summer… but what is it really truly worth?

Who knows, maybe I’ll feel better when I come back from the City.

Oh, and on two positive notes: It’s the start of Shark Week…. and

DARK KNIGHT IS AMAZING!

Crazy.

Music: None.

I left on Friday for my grandfather’s memorial service. He wasn’t being buried, but instead being cremated. The service itself was nice because I saw friends of the family I hadn’t seen in years, and in some cases, almost ten years. Even though my mother isn’t technically a part of the family anymore, she still went to pay her respects. It’s amazing how so many people in my family lost their grudge over her and all came together to support one another- except my cousin who, in retrospect, is a nice guy, but he can be an asshole and blame others for things he did because he kind of fears that realization.

A lot of family members read from a book they all wrote stories in for my grandpa’s 70th birthday in 1997, (Which made him 81 when he died) and many of them were simply stunning. I felt embarrassed to read my little last words written on yellow list paper… but somehow I know he’s proud of me. After all, my last thing I told him (not directly because I was not present), was that I said hello, goodbye, that I’d try my hardest to make him proud, and that I loved him. I really couldn’t think much more than that when he was nearly 20 hours away from dying at that point.

His ashes are now spread in the Atlantic Ocean. He was a captain of his sailboat, and every time we would sail, we would reach the milt marker where he would lift the sails up for the wind to catch. The “urn” we got for him was a paper machete sailboat with a small bowl underneath it. It would float for a few minutes, and it would sink straight down and would not tip over when it sank… it just went straight down to the bottom gracefully next to that mile marker. It was extremely peaceful and a very good closure for his wife, his children, and his grandchildren.

I managed to get back in time for the show. Personally I don’t think it helped much because I still got treated like shit (like I do every weekend), and I wasn’t told of any changes, and it was just a miserable time. I cried during our ballad because the corps director is planning on dedicating that one portion of the show to my grandfather on finals night, where my family will certainly attend. Also, with my mind being elsewhere, I couldn’t recall almost three-quarters of the show… extremely odd for me because I’ve learned my music since February. But it’s understandable, and I really could give two shits about what everyone else thought of my performance that night.

Anyways, it’s 2:45 in the morning; I’m tired, pissed, hurting, depressed, and annoyed… I should get some sleep because I am seeing Lewis Black in Albany tomorrow. Perhaps that will calm me down and make me smile. Because as of right now, nothing is working at the moment.

Think of Me With Kindness.

Music: “Belle” – Beauty and the Beast. (The movie, I’m watching it right now).

Hi, my name is Sue, and I think way too much about things I really shouldn’t think about. I currently reside in Norwich, New York working with a high school field band. I’m going to college for music education and flute. However, I’m teaching their front ensemble which I’m finding is very enriching, despite how obnoxious most of them are.

I play in the front ensemble at the Brigadiers Drum and Bugle Corps. It’s not AS much fun as it was last year, because most of the new people are either ditzy, bitches, or just have really unpleasing demeanors. I don’t really like to judge people, but some people just really bother the crap out of me. Either way, I’m still having a good time with my boyfriend, Jon who plays split-lead trumpet and my good friends Moose and Jason.

But, basically today sucked because my grandfather died when I was told yesterday that he was given at least a week. Oh, well, I have to leave tomorrow for the weekend for the funeral, a Brigs show, and to see Lewis Black on Sunday. I’ll write more and descriptively later.